Overwhelmed

I am glad to be back writing today.  Last week I was so overwhelmed that I just couldn't think to sit down and write.  At night, my normal writing time, all I wanted to do was put the kids to bed and go to bed myself.  It took until Sunday, yesterday, to get out of my funk.

As I look back I'm not sure what it was that put me over the edge.  It built up until it was just too much and I sat down and cried.  In fact I cried most of the day.  The crying helped in a way.  I was able to think about why I was so upset.  I realized that I was resentful of my son, or more specifically, of his disability.  Because of his cerebral palsy he can't do the things that other children his age can do.  So I can't do the things that I want to do.  I feel stuck in our tiny house.  But the resentment quickly turned into guilt.  How can I resent my wonderful child?  It's not me that will struggle to do the things others take for granted.  I won't have to face the challenges that he will face every day.  It was the guilt, I think, that put me over the edge.

But the reality is that I'm not Supermom.  I'm just Mom and I'm a human mom.  And human moms go through this.  Knowing that helps.  While I can't always live in the moment, I know that the moments of guilt and resentment will pass if I let them.  I just have to let them pass.  That's the hardest part.  If I let the moments pass and recognize them for the human moments that they are, the next human moment won't be so overwhelming.  I can start to leave the guilt behind and enjoy the moments when Matteo learns he can reach the piano keys, or says a new word.   These are the moments that make the bad times good and remind me of the incredible gift that is being a parent.