Going Postal

First off, I want to thank all of the people who have been so supportive of this blog. It's encouraging to hear from so many people. Thank you!

Sometimes things happen in your day that reminds you that what you think of as normal is not other peoples "normal." For me it happened in the post office this week.

One of Matteo's on-going issues is excessive spitting up. I say it's an issue because it's an issue for me, he doesn't mind at all and rarely even notices. I notice! I've never been good with bodily fluids. I'm just not that kind of mother. But after 16 months of being spit up upon several times a day, you get a bit desensitized.

Most parents are familiar with newborns spitting up, which usually does not last very long. But in Matteo's case he has two things working against him. First, he was born 6 weeks prematurely, so the muscles that regulate his stomach (chiefly the pylorus) were not mature at birth. This causes food to stay in his stomach longer than normal and to digest more slowly. Second, Matteo has what is called low tone in his trunk. Low tone is lower than normal reflexes and is common in Cerebral Palsy children. This manifests in low muscle strength, not just in his back and chest, but in all the muscles from shoulder to hip. The muscles that regulate his stomach and esophagus are maturing much more slowly than normal. All this leads to a lot of food going in the wrong direction.

Over the last 16 months I've worked hard "fix" this problem. I'm a mom and an engineer, I like to fix things. I've tried all sorts of things: soy, no soy, lactose-free, milk-based, solid food, liquid food, small meals and big, and the list goes on. Nothing I've done has made much difference. So slowly, ever so slowly, I've realized that I can not affect his spitting up. With the Gastroenterologist's help, I can lower his acid level. But the fix can come only with time and maturity - things over which I have no control. I've had to let it go and give up my worry and anxiety about this one thing. It's harder than it sounds, to let go. There is a very real liberation in accepting that when there is nothing that you can affect, you must let the stress go. I have, and I feel better for it.

Now, back to the post office. Matteo and I were in line when it occurred to me that I didn't have a burp cloth, just in case. (Note to self: just because you've let it go doesn't mean you shouldn't be prepared!) That's when it happened. I heard the little sound that sometimes precedes the spit up and I caught it with the only thing I had - my hand. Fortunately it wasn't more than a hand-full, but I couldn't go up to the counter like this, and there were no bathrooms. Something had to be sacrificed. It turned out to be Matteo's sweatshirt, which after wiping my hand I promptly took off of him and turned inside out. And then I continued on like nothing had happened, like this sort of thing happens every day because it does. I posted my envelopes and carried out my child desperately hoping that nobody saw our little incident.

As I got behind the wheel of the car, I realized this doesn't happen to most people. This isn't a normal occurrence in the lives of most parents. But, my life isn't "normal" anymore and that's ok. My life is happy and that's what really matters.