I finally finished a knitting project that I've been working on for many months. It was intended to be a Christmas gift, but as you can tell it's a bit late for that. I'm calling it an early birthday present. As I was nearing completion, I said to my husband that it would be very nice if my knitting projects weren't also learning experiences. I imagine that when very experienced knitters end a project it comes out just as they imagined in the time frame they expected.
But, my project was a learning experience and I'm determined to learn. So here's what I learned.
First: Be prepared. A little planning goes a long way, a lot of planning goes farther. Planning a knitting project involves knitting a gauge swatch to see how big the blanket will be if knitted to the directions. This is handy because baby blankets are supposed to be longer than they are wide so that they fit nicely in the crib. I skipped the gauge and just started knitting so mine is wider than it is long. Planning a project also involves adding up all of the little embellishments that aren't in the pattern. This way you don't run out of yarn that is no longer in production or carried by any store anywhere in the world...six inches from finishing the trim.
Second: Expect the unexpected. When it's not turning out how you envisioned, change your point of view. Do things ever come out as envisioned? Not in my experience. So when you run out of yarn that is no longer available, it is time to improvise. Think outside the box. Take the road less traveled. It was hard to change my vision of the perfect baby blanket. Once I did, I liked the new vision. I think my nephew will like it too.
Third: Nobody's perfect. Handknit blankets aren't perfect, that's how you know they're handknit. Perfection is not beauty. Beauty lies in the little (or not so little) imperfections that show that it was made with love. When we expect perfection we will always be disappointed. Beauty is never disappointing.
Amazing how your children and your knitting projects can teach you the exact same three lessons.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Overwhelmed
I am glad to be back writing today. Last week I was so overwhelmed that I just couldn't think to sit down and write. At night, my normal writing time, all I wanted to do was put the kids to bed and go to bed myself. It took until Sunday, yesterday, to get out of my funk.
As I look back I'm not sure what it was that put me over the edge. It built up until it was just too much and I sat down and cried. In fact I cried most of the day. The crying helped in a way. I was able to think about why I was so upset. I realized that I was resentful of my son, or more specifically, of his disability. Because of his cerebral palsy he can't do the things that other children his age can do. So I can't do the things that I want to do. I feel stuck in our tiny house. But the resentment quickly turned into guilt. How can I resent my wonderful child? It's not me that will struggle to do the things others take for granted. I won't have to face the challenges that he will face every day. It was the guilt, I think, that put me over the edge.
But the reality is that I'm not Supermom. I'm just Mom and I'm a human mom. And human moms go through this. Knowing that helps. While I can't always live in the moment, I know that the moments of guilt and resentment will pass if I let them. I just have to let them pass. That's the hardest part. If I let the moments pass and recognize them for the human moments that they are, the next human moment won't be so overwhelming. I can start to leave the guilt behind and enjoy the moments when Matteo learns he can reach the piano keys, or says a new word. These are the moments that make the bad times good and remind me of the incredible gift that is being a parent.
As I look back I'm not sure what it was that put me over the edge. It built up until it was just too much and I sat down and cried. In fact I cried most of the day. The crying helped in a way. I was able to think about why I was so upset. I realized that I was resentful of my son, or more specifically, of his disability. Because of his cerebral palsy he can't do the things that other children his age can do. So I can't do the things that I want to do. I feel stuck in our tiny house. But the resentment quickly turned into guilt. How can I resent my wonderful child? It's not me that will struggle to do the things others take for granted. I won't have to face the challenges that he will face every day. It was the guilt, I think, that put me over the edge.
But the reality is that I'm not Supermom. I'm just Mom and I'm a human mom. And human moms go through this. Knowing that helps. While I can't always live in the moment, I know that the moments of guilt and resentment will pass if I let them. I just have to let them pass. That's the hardest part. If I let the moments pass and recognize them for the human moments that they are, the next human moment won't be so overwhelming. I can start to leave the guilt behind and enjoy the moments when Matteo learns he can reach the piano keys, or says a new word. These are the moments that make the bad times good and remind me of the incredible gift that is being a parent.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Matteo's Resolutions
Last week I wrote about my three resolutions for the year, so this week it's time for Matteo's. Since Matteo is not quite speaking yet, I've had to guess at what he'd resolve to do this year. Here are his (my) three:
1. I will sit unsupported. In June of last year Matteo's rehabilitation doctor told me that 80% of children who sit unsupported by the age of two will walk. The likelihood of walking then drops to 20% for children who don't sit by age four. Right now, at 18 months, Matteo can sit only for short periods of time before falling over. His difficulty stems from very tight hamstrings, hips and adductors. Most of his therapy centers on stretching out those muscles and improving his balance. We have a lot of work to do to get his muscles relaxed and stretched so that he can straighten both legs at once. This is our number one goal this year.
2. I will use a spoon. Matteo would much rather be served than serve himself. He's very content to just open his maw and wait for the food to arrive. This is not what I have in mind for the next several years. His Occupational Therapist has a plan. It involves a strap that goes around his hand and holds a neoprene tube that I can slide a spoon into. That way when he lets go of the spoon the spoon stays in his hand. In theory it works great. Not so in practice. Matteo, in this short week, has learned that when I say "give me your hand" he hides both hands under the tray of his highchair. On the rare times that I can get the contraption on he has learned that if he slides his hand across the edge of his tray it pops off. Then he opens his mouth and waits for the food. But, we are resolved to use a spoon. Or, I am resolved that he will use a spoon.
3. I will say "mama" or some semblance of the "m" and "ah" sounds together. Is this too much to ask? I take care of him all day, change his diapers, feed him, bathe him and all I ask is to hear this sound pointed in my direction. Instead my husband, after watching him for a few paltry hours on the weekend, says that Matteo is saying "papa" every time he leaves the room. I go away for a few hours and he's saying papa. I almost cried. (Note: I should say at this point that my darling husband gets up in the morning, changes him and gets our daughter ready for and to school while I sit in bed with the cup of tea that he brings me every morning. If you know my family you will know that I am just carrying on a tradition started by my Great Aunt Una.) But, really that's no reason for his first word to be papa and not mama. Words will come next, and hopefully soon because the whole screaming thing is getting old.
Matteo and I have a lot to work on this year but I am confident that with daily practice and perseverance we will meet all of his resolutions this year. I hope you can meet yours.
1. I will sit unsupported. In June of last year Matteo's rehabilitation doctor told me that 80% of children who sit unsupported by the age of two will walk. The likelihood of walking then drops to 20% for children who don't sit by age four. Right now, at 18 months, Matteo can sit only for short periods of time before falling over. His difficulty stems from very tight hamstrings, hips and adductors. Most of his therapy centers on stretching out those muscles and improving his balance. We have a lot of work to do to get his muscles relaxed and stretched so that he can straighten both legs at once. This is our number one goal this year.
2. I will use a spoon. Matteo would much rather be served than serve himself. He's very content to just open his maw and wait for the food to arrive. This is not what I have in mind for the next several years. His Occupational Therapist has a plan. It involves a strap that goes around his hand and holds a neoprene tube that I can slide a spoon into. That way when he lets go of the spoon the spoon stays in his hand. In theory it works great. Not so in practice. Matteo, in this short week, has learned that when I say "give me your hand" he hides both hands under the tray of his highchair. On the rare times that I can get the contraption on he has learned that if he slides his hand across the edge of his tray it pops off. Then he opens his mouth and waits for the food. But, we are resolved to use a spoon. Or, I am resolved that he will use a spoon.
3. I will say "mama" or some semblance of the "m" and "ah" sounds together. Is this too much to ask? I take care of him all day, change his diapers, feed him, bathe him and all I ask is to hear this sound pointed in my direction. Instead my husband, after watching him for a few paltry hours on the weekend, says that Matteo is saying "papa" every time he leaves the room. I go away for a few hours and he's saying papa. I almost cried. (Note: I should say at this point that my darling husband gets up in the morning, changes him and gets our daughter ready for and to school while I sit in bed with the cup of tea that he brings me every morning. If you know my family you will know that I am just carrying on a tradition started by my Great Aunt Una.) But, really that's no reason for his first word to be papa and not mama. Words will come next, and hopefully soon because the whole screaming thing is getting old.
Matteo and I have a lot to work on this year but I am confident that with daily practice and perseverance we will meet all of his resolutions this year. I hope you can meet yours.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Resolutions
So, here they are:
1. I will drink more water. My goal is the 8 glasses of 8 oz. per day that doctors continually recommend for good health. I will deem 6 glasses acceptable as it is much more likely. Does a cup of tea count as a glass? I suppose not.. I've always felt better when I'm drinking copious amounts of water, so it seams to be a good goal.
2. I will become a finisher. This has been my nemesis for years. I get almost done with a project and then move on to the next without quite finishing the first. But, the almost-doneness drives me nuts. So, this year I will do something about it. Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to finish all of those projects around the house that are still undone. But, I will finish all of the ones in progress before I start new ones.
3. I will not fear and stress over things over which I have no control. I've saved the hardest for last. If the last year has taught me anything it's that there are a lot of things to stress over if I give myself the chance. But so little of the stress is productive because there are so many things that I can do nothing about. And frankly, I've got plenty of things that I can do something about to stress over. The difficulty is knowing what I can affect and what I cannot. Matteo needs me to stress over somethings because he needs me to be on top of doctor appointments, therapy sessions, insurance and the like. But, I shouldn't stress over what his school age years will be like or if he'll be able to walk. My hope and prayer is that God will give me the wisdom to know what to I can affect and what I cannot. My job is to listen.
I have some resolutions for Matteo too, but I'll save those for next week.
May 2011 bring you peace, joy and happiness!!
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