Outwardly Mobile

Thank you! Thank you for all of the encouraging words and comments.  Knowing that my blog is appreciated helps me keep writing.  I'm going to ask (a bit self-consciously) that if you like my blog you please share it with friends who might like it also?  Thank you.

Last week Matteo tried out an assisted walker for the first time.  It enables him to get the idea and motion of walking without having to balance at the same time.  He did really well in therapy, so we were able to bring it home for the week.  It's been a great week!

Matteo has always loved to be outside.  No matter where we are, if there's a door, he's heading for it.  But, being outside with him has meant him sitting in the stroller or crawling on the grass.  While he loves the stroller,  it doesn't do much for getting out his boundless energy.  And while the grass is fun to touch feel and eat, he is always trying to crawl to the driveway which is really hard on his knees.  I was thrilled to try out the walker.  So, while the rest of the country has been snowed in, we've had spring-like weather all week.  It's been a perfect time to get out.

I think my expectations may have been a bit high on our first outing.  Somewhere in my mind I envisioned us walking up the street, visiting a neighbor and maybe having a nice stroll around the block.  Reality was somewhat different.  We went for a 45-minute outing and got all the way to the corner and back. We live one house from the corner.  That means we averaged one house every 22 minutes, give or take.  At that rate our stroll around the block would be an all-day affair.  While we wouldn't win any races, Matteo had a wonderful time.  He laughed every time the wind blew his hair and did a little dance when a car went by.  It was magical to see him so happy.

The best day came on Sunday.  We went to our neighbors' house to watch the Super Bowl.  They have a long, flat and gated driveway that's perfect for little ones to ride their scooters and tricycles up and down.  Matteo had his walker and for the first time he was able to interact with the other kids.  He laughed when they wheeled around him and followed after as best he could.  He was so happy!  It also gave me some relief.  I didn't have to carry him or follow after him as he crawled around the house.  He could play and I could visit with friends. In many ways it lifted a burden from my shoulders and allowed me to just be me.  We had a great day!

Lessons Learned

I finally finished a knitting project that I've been working on for many months.  It was intended to be a Christmas gift, but as you can tell it's a bit late for that.  I'm calling it an early birthday present.  As I was nearing completion, I said to my husband that it would be very nice if my knitting projects weren't also learning experiences.  I imagine that when very experienced knitters end a  project it comes out just as they imagined in the time frame they expected.

But, my project was a learning experience and I'm determined to learn.  So here's what I learned.

First:  Be prepared.  A little planning goes a long way, a lot of planning goes farther.  Planning a knitting project involves knitting a gauge swatch to see how big the blanket will be if knitted to the directions. This is handy because baby blankets are supposed to be longer than they are wide so that they fit nicely in the crib.   I skipped the gauge and just started knitting so mine is wider than it is long.  Planning a project also involves adding up all of the little embellishments that aren't in the pattern. This way you don't run out of yarn that is no longer in production or carried by any store anywhere in the world...six inches from finishing the trim.

Second:  Expect the unexpected.  When it's not turning out how you envisioned, change your point of view.  Do things ever come out as envisioned?  Not in my experience.  So when you run out of yarn that is no longer available, it is time to improvise.  Think outside the box.  Take the road less traveled.  It was hard to change my vision of the perfect baby blanket. Once I did, I liked the new vision.  I think my nephew will like it too.

Third:  Nobody's perfect.  Handknit blankets aren't perfect, that's how you know they're handknit. Perfection is not beauty.  Beauty lies in the little (or not so little) imperfections that show that it was made with love.  When we expect perfection we will always be disappointed. Beauty is never disappointing.

Amazing how your children and your knitting projects can teach you the exact same three lessons.

Overwhelmed

I am glad to be back writing today.  Last week I was so overwhelmed that I just couldn't think to sit down and write.  At night, my normal writing time, all I wanted to do was put the kids to bed and go to bed myself.  It took until Sunday, yesterday, to get out of my funk.

As I look back I'm not sure what it was that put me over the edge.  It built up until it was just too much and I sat down and cried.  In fact I cried most of the day.  The crying helped in a way.  I was able to think about why I was so upset.  I realized that I was resentful of my son, or more specifically, of his disability.  Because of his cerebral palsy he can't do the things that other children his age can do.  So I can't do the things that I want to do.  I feel stuck in our tiny house.  But the resentment quickly turned into guilt.  How can I resent my wonderful child?  It's not me that will struggle to do the things others take for granted.  I won't have to face the challenges that he will face every day.  It was the guilt, I think, that put me over the edge.

But the reality is that I'm not Supermom.  I'm just Mom and I'm a human mom.  And human moms go through this.  Knowing that helps.  While I can't always live in the moment, I know that the moments of guilt and resentment will pass if I let them.  I just have to let them pass.  That's the hardest part.  If I let the moments pass and recognize them for the human moments that they are, the next human moment won't be so overwhelming.  I can start to leave the guilt behind and enjoy the moments when Matteo learns he can reach the piano keys, or says a new word.   These are the moments that make the bad times good and remind me of the incredible gift that is being a parent.

Matteo's Resolutions

Last week I wrote about my three resolutions for the year, so this week it's time for Matteo's.  Since Matteo is not quite speaking yet, I've had to guess at what he'd resolve to do this year.  Here are his (my) three:

1.    I will sit unsupported.  In June of last year Matteo's rehabilitation doctor told me that 80% of children who sit unsupported by the age of two will walk.  The likelihood of walking then drops to 20% for children who don't sit by age four.   Right now, at 18 months, Matteo can sit only for short periods of time before falling over.  His difficulty stems from very tight hamstrings, hips and adductors.  Most of his therapy centers on stretching out those muscles and improving his balance.  We have a lot of work to do to get his muscles relaxed and stretched so that he can straighten both legs at once.  This is our number one goal this year.

2.    I will use a spoon.  Matteo would much rather be served than serve himself.  He's very content to just open his maw and wait for the food to arrive.  This is not what I have in mind for the next several years.   His Occupational Therapist has a plan.  It involves a strap that goes around his hand and holds a neoprene tube that I can slide a spoon into.  That way when he lets go of the spoon the spoon stays in his hand.  In theory it works great.  Not so in practice.  Matteo, in this short week, has learned that when I say "give me your hand" he hides both hands under the tray of his highchair.  On the rare times that I can get the contraption on he has learned that if he slides his hand across the edge of his tray it pops off.  Then he opens his mouth and waits for the food.  But, we are resolved to use a spoon.  Or, I am resolved that he will use a spoon.

3.    I will say "mama" or some semblance of the "m" and "ah" sounds together.  Is this too much to ask?  I take care of him all day, change his diapers, feed him, bathe him and all I ask is to hear this sound pointed in my direction.  Instead my husband, after watching him for a few paltry hours on the weekend, says that Matteo is saying "papa" every time he leaves the room.  I go away for a few hours and he's saying papa.  I almost cried. (Note:  I should say at this point that my darling husband gets up in the morning, changes him and gets our daughter ready for and to school while I sit in bed with the cup of tea that he brings me every morning.  If you know my family you will know that I am just carrying on a tradition started by my Great Aunt Una.)  But, really that's no reason for his first word to be papa and not mama. Words will come next, and hopefully soon because the whole screaming thing is getting old.

Matteo and I have a lot to work on this year but I am confident that with daily practice and perseverance we will meet all of his resolutions this year.  I hope you can meet yours.